Random Annoyances on the Internet

Etiquette to Texting

2011-01-14T01:53:00.015+11:00

Etiquette to Texting

Well, after having a conversation to some peeps about texting i decided to review it and tell people the correct etiquette of texting.

Rule 1: Never read other peoples Text.
This just goes for itself really. Its your text, not someone else. It could be an embarrassing doctors appointment about the viral disease you might have caught off that hooker, making sure your girlfriend doesn't know some other women is sending you steamy, kinking sex message or plans to get someone so drunk and cover them in semen that they don't remember. This is why you don't read other peoples text, straight up and foremost.

Rule 2: Don't look at picture messages
Some picture messages are funny, some are cute. Others are of penis. Usually small, erect penis. Do you want to look at penis? Then look at picture messages. If you don't want to look at penis, don't look at picture message.

Rule 3: Replying to a text.

A lot of people can relate to this. You're texting away to someone, then they suddenly stop texting. Why? What has happen to them? OMG THEY HATE ME FML!!! (OK, that's more for the emos out there who cant live without a text cause their life is really that unfulfilling) Majority of the time the person who has stopped texting is busy, at work, masturbating etc. Before you start, just let the person know you cant reply and will reply in due course. There is nothing worse to send 143 texts asking if they are OK, or receiving 143 texts (the first two going 'Are you there?' 'Are you OK?' followed by 141 abusive texts about how much they hate me for not replying, their sorry for what they did wrong and threatening to chop my balls off). So do yourself a favour, and let them know you cant reply to a text.

Rule 4: Do no reply with K
*Sub section to the rule included
People hate you replying with K. Really? you're going to waste your money with just one letter? It shows a lack of thought, and that you may be brain dead or 1/3rd of the way to joining the KKK. Either way you shouldn't do it. Unless your aim is to piss off the other person, then go for it. To even up the ante, when someone replies with 'It's annoying when you just send K' type a full 160 character message with just the letter K and imagine them going nuts.

Rule 5: Tone

Tone is REALLY important in a text. It's important to know what tone you are sending in a text message.

Rule5a: Tone (For Men)
Guys, when a chick sends a text message...it isn't in a sexy voice. When she goes 'Hey, how are you?' she isn't dressed in her underwear, touching her boob as if she was whispering it seductively in your ear. She just wants to know how you are. And 'Whats up?' doesn't mean you can reply with 'My Penis'. Why is your penis up for a text message anyways? Just wrong.

Rule5b: Tone (For Women)
Women, guys are not all ways angry when they send a text message. Just cause he is busy doesn't mean he hates you, wants to dump you or is cheating on you. He is most likely at a sports event, with the boys or hitting on an attractive young lady in the hopes of 'upgrading' his current dating status.

Rule 6: The use of Anagrams (lol, brb, asap etc)
Please use these sparingly as they can be taken the wrong way. The main one is lol. Parents: Lol does not mean 'Lots of love' it means 'lots of laughter'. Typing 'Dad is in hospital lol' is not funny. Also teens overuse these. Can you type a full word? And what the hell is lolololol? Lots of Laughter of laughter of laughter of lots? Seriously, get it right.

Rule 7: Drunk Texting

We all love a good drunken text sent by a friend who has no idea what is going on. Spelling mistakes and nonsensical sentences provides for entertaining reading the next day. However, drunk texting also leads to sending pictures of friends passed out to others that will get them in trouble and genitals to 'that special someone' in the hope you might impress them. When you get drunk, just put your phone away. No one wants to see your cock.

Rule 8: Sexting (Sex Text)
Just like cyber-sex, expect on your phone. This should be illegal. However, since it isn't, just follow a few simple rules. Buy a cover for your phone, its better to be protected. Don't sext around! You could be passing on a sexting transmitted cell-phone virus. Also when sexting, it is rude to show someones genitals to other person, as it should be a private matter. Unless drunk, then all bets are off and show your mates everything! Also, if the bitch or bastard cheats on you, it is your duty to post them on the Internet via Facebook, Twitter or any other medium possible. How dare they do that to you!

This is just a small list, but I'm sure we can make amendments to the list over time. Any thoughts/extra rules just let me know :)

Mr G

Sarah Blasko Review

2010-10-11T22:57:00.005+11:00

Sarah Blasko

Well, I wrote a review for the Lisa Mitchell concert earlier this year, thought I should write one for Sarah Blasko.

Keep in mind this is probably a very bias review since Blasko is my favourite artist at the moment, and have been since seeing her at the Shakespeare play Hamlet back in 2008. I did go to her concert last year as well being held at the Forum while this one was held at The Palais theatre.

Anyways to my review....

When I arrived, I came in and the act before was Seja, who is supporting her through this tour. I had never heard of her before I booked my tickets to the concert so quick download of her album and listen before coming to Sarah Blasko was in order. Her album was ok. It was nice, and I now have it saved on my iPod playlist. When I walked in she was near the end of her set, and although I heard only 3 songs, the last one to me was just...noise. 3 keyboards playing high pitch tones all at once...sorry, it wasn’t for me. Positive she was tall. If anyone knows me, they know how much I envy to date a tall chick. But I digress.

Sarah Blasko came out on stage to a round of applause, which is commonplace these days. Adoring fans were waiting, and it was clear to me from the outset that the majority of the people knew exactly who she was, which was good. No idiots sitting next to me going 'What's this song?'

It got underway, and its two days later so I cannot remember her play list if I had a gun to my head. I will speak about the sound and the experience I did have though. Her first two songs seem flat to me, the instruments seem to be dominating her voice. At the Forum I remember a crystal clear voice, here it sounded like she was competing to be heard. However, by the 3rd song, her voice was heard amazingly. Beautiful, elegant, like a siren. Maybe a simple adjustment to the speakers? Maybe the equipment was tuned too loud? Who knows?

The night rolled on, and to my delight Sarah was actually quite funny. Interaction with the audience was all most a comedy routine. In between every second song, there was a laugh to be had, either by an audience member shouting something out, a band member mentioning something or Sarah forgetting lyrics to a song. Unfortunately this happen twice in the evening. The first time, she went through the song, basically unnoticeable to the audience. However, the second time was quite noticeable when she started giggling. It was during her cover of Flame Trees, yes the Cold Chisel classic, Flame Trees. A quick 'I should know the lyrics to this song by now' was followed with the completion of the song.

Honestly, I don’t mind artists forgetting lyrics or changing them, it actually shows they are not miming and reveals that they are just human after all. Her voice still remains an amazing sound to my ears though. Even though this can be merely oversights, or as Sarah put it jetlag, her voice remains as clear, and good as ever.

Now for the finale. I believe these days Encores are a given. Performers go off stage, and the crowd cheers and screams and we all know its going to come, especially when she hasn't sung two of her most recognisable songs (All I Want and Explain). To the few (I counted 7) people who left thinking this was the end, they were mistaken. Sarah came back out and sung these last two songs with beauty and clarity and to me, is what seals the concert for me. Explain is a pleasure to hear at anytime of day, and is my favourite song of hers. However, disappointing was the fact she didn’t sing Queen of Apology. For some reason, I just love that song.

As the credits roll, I gave this a strong 5/5 purely cause I am bias. As objective as I could get, I would still give her 4.25/5.

Any questions please ask or leave comments.

Regards

Mr G

Soggy Biscuit

2010-06-16T23:43:00.003+10:00

A new segment for my blog - Good tips.

My first tip is about the Soggy Biscuit game. We've all heard of it, some of us are curious about it, few have done it, and even fewer still have gotten so aroused by it, they use their face instead of a biscuit (Come on down Miley Cirus). Anyways, here goes.

The key to soggy biscuit is not to cum first, cause all the other guys will look at you like a queer homosexual who gets off to men masturbating, not to come last since you will have to eat the soggy biscuit and get bagged for it for the rest of your life, not to cum 2nd cause the 1st guy will start wanting to do naugh...ty things to you, but to cum just in the middle. Timing is all there is to it.

Mr G

4 Colour Pen - Review

2010-06-13T02:49:00.002+10:00

Well, i think its long over due that the 4-colour pen should get a review. So here i go.

The Four Pen was invented along time ago. I assume people got lazy picking up 2 different colours of pen a day. Yes i know there is 4 colours, but i will give my reasoning as we go on with this blog. Firstly lets rate this pen colour by colour.

Black
Black is clearly the commander of this nicely tight little ship. Demands respect from the other colours. It leads the way, however it could be a bit dark at times. Alone at the top can have its bad side. Black is mostly the pencil pusher as well, needed for all those important documents. Clearly dominats Blue, which occasionally comes out when some is making notes. Black is messier then the other colours as well. Seems more cluttered. Overall i feel the black is somewhat over rated. I would give it 3 stars only cause of the legal nature we need Black for.

Blue
Blue is the jealous type of the colours. Envies Black, wishes it could be Red, and is just plain confused as to why Green even got a place in the pen. Blue is a nice colour i feel, easy on the eyes, can be neat and plus its what i use for this blog. Its the colour of the skye, its the colour of water and Blue cars. Blue is the underachiever...could have been so much more...if only there wasnt such blackness in this world. I rate it a 4.

Red
Red is the colour of blood. Red back spiders. Menstration cycle of women. Red is, what i feel, the evil brother of the lot. Its used to correct mistakes. What a busy body it is. How dare it gets off on correcting mistakes? Who does it think it is? The nerve of this colour! The thought it thinks its better then the others, all ways trying to make a power grab at Black, undermining the whole harmory of the 4 pen. I give this a 1.

Green
The free loader. There is no use for the Green colour. How many people even own a single green pen on their own? Its clearly a passenger. Its like that unwanted sibling that comes to stay with you for a week, stays a year, uses all your toilet paper, drinks your beer then when you have diahorrea there is no toilet paper left and youre sitting there for hours waiting for them to come home. Unbelieable. I still rate it higher then red though with a 2.

Overall the pen is not a labour saving device. How hard is it to grab 2 pens at once? Together, combined, there really is no point to it. Green is a passenger, Red is just a rebel trying to form a coup, Black is a dictator from Iraq and Blue is the nerdy one trying to fit in.

Mr G

Lisa Mitchell

2010-05-29T00:28:00.005+10:00

Lisa Mitchell - 28th May 2010

After just watching Lisa Mitchell live for the first time and seeing her at the Forum in Melbourne, i felt compelled to write a review and share with my friends about it.

I first heard off Lisa Mitchell back in 2009 when Coin Laundry came out. At the time, i gave her no attention as i felt it was silly to sing in a washing machine (superficial and cynical i know). Along came 2010 and the Big Day Out was an opportunity to get a glimpse of this artist that many have praised. However, due to a friend arriving late and having to check in our bag, by the time we were through the gates, Lisa Mitchell's set was over.

One late night i was up late watching a Channel V when Oh! Hark! came on the TV set. I was amazed at the sound of her voice and the lyrics she preformed in her song and instantly liken her to Sarah Blasko, who happens to be my favourite female artist at the moment. Of course Blasko has this trance like hold over me with her voice sounding like a siren, Mitchell could easily fall into that category as long as she keeps showcasing her delicate, yet delightful to hear, voice. However, i digress. I downloaded her album (off iTunes of course *cough*) and started listening to her music. I enjoyed every second of it, without much of a low point in the album, consistently living up to each songs expectations. Cue May 28th.

It had been a rainy day in Melbourne on this Friday evening, as i headed into the city for my first live performance of Lisa Mitchell. On the way picked up a lovely Caramel Latte, which i happily drank on the way, listening to her album, Wonder, all the way in. Upon arrival, i did happen to treat myself to a couple of scotch's at the front of the theatre, and ended up finding myself near the front of the standing area about 10 deep. To this date is the closest I've ever been to an artist. Two support bands came on before Lisa Mitchell, and their sound set the prefect tone for the rest of the evening...a nice blend of adult contemporary with the harmony of just simple, basic musical sounds. After arriving at 7:30 and seem to be waiting forever, 10pm came around and along came the young lady of the moment.

Sitting down at the Piano, cleverly sneaking on stage as the other musicians took their spot. The start of the show seemed surreal as a musical box played on the piano Lisa was sitting at. Then came the first keys played on the keyboard and we were treated to a nice opening of Oh Nostalgia. Her simple demeanor was shown and she let the piano and her voice do the job. In fact, after the performance was over, this was the one song that stuck in my head. I noticed from the outset her voice was as clear in her album as it was live, which gained huge points from myself. Its one thing to have it modified to sound good on a album, but if you can't replicate it live, it seems such a waste.

Lisa then stood up and said hello to everyone, which is all ways a nice and courtesy treat from the artist. A bit of humour was involved in when she asked people not to throw coins on the stage as she sung Coin Laundry. I felt the start was a bit lacking as it sets up the song, but she got into it as it went along. Her quirky movements were on show through out the song and she danced along to it. And no one threw a coin on stage. Her movements would stay for her other songs and she delicately moved about the staged, and was a delight to watch her quirkiness, for a lack of a better word.

Between songs there were shouts of 'I love you Lisa' and wolf whistles, which she looked perplexed with. A short 'Thank you' with a confused tone was the response. Remembering this girl is just 20 years of age, she held her composure well. However, as the night progressed and she kept coming out with the songs off her album Wonder, it seemed as if she was uncomfortable with the direct compliments thrown at her. This I'm sure she will learn in time to accept. Red Wine Lips, Stevie, Neopolitan Dreams just to name a few were outstanding. The thing i liked most about it was she let her music do the talking as oppose to any form of special effects or choreography.

Oh! Hark!, my favourite song, came and went as did other songs including Clean White Love, Pirouette, Animals and back on the piano for Valium, a beautiful love song which i thoroughly enjoyed. Half way through the show, on stage came her close friend, in Lisa's words, 'Alex Gray'(for the love of me i can not remember). For the first time in the evening Lisa actually looked like to be enjoying herself as her friend came on stage, which was disappointing as a fan. Of course we are happier with our closest friends, but this seemed more of a relief that someone was there by her side. They then preceded set up a song together with the banter providing some comic relief at times. Together they sung out a Beatles song (again, i forget) and got the audience involved with some whistling. However, I'm not a fan of 'audience participation' but generally fans do, and responded in kind. The song let it self down as their voices seemed to cancel each other out and was hard to understand what they were singing.

As the show crept closer towards the end, Lisa Mitchell left the stage for a break, only to return 2 minutes later with 3 other female artists, Jessica Warren, Zoe Hoftman and someone i clearly forgot (i got distracted by the fact she wasn't wearing a bra, but she should have been. Enough said on that). Also the name of the other artists could be wrong as well, as i have trouble remembering all the finer details. Together they did are marvelous cover of Like a Prayer by Madonna that was absolutely breath taking, and had to be seen to be believed. All four artists shone and complimented each other well. A fitting way to end the night, as Lisa Mitchell belted out one more song (i use belted as a very loose term with her delicate voice) and that was the end of it. No grand farewell, a simple 'Thank you Melbourne, Good Night' just like her music.

Overall, the experience was worth the money spent and providing a good night out. The crowd, however, was mainly Couples or groups of young women which kinda put me out of place there. Upon leaving, i heard other patrons refer to her lack of chemistry with the band, however, if you look at it here is a 20 year old women on stage with musicians who, some looked, twice her age. This can be intimidating for a young person at the best of times in any given field, let along in front of a 1500 plus crowd. She didn't say much to the band. At the end of the day Lisa Mitchell did what i feel great artists should do - let their music do the talking. There was no spectacular light effects or storyline to the evening, just simply Lisa Mitchell doing what she does best.

Out of 5, i give her a 3.75.

Mr G

Cars Creeping Forward

2010-05-13T23:37:00.003+10:00

Thought i would rage a bit on my blog today...Cars creeping forward at red traffic lights.

Here i was, on my way to Basketball, and i happen to be stopped at the lights when i notice, and i've noticed this for the 8 years i've been driving a car now...but other cars creeping forward as if its going to suddenly go green or make it change faster. We've all seen this havent we? Just creeping forward...inch by inch...over the first line...second line...car half way out to the middle of the road...semi trailer just missing it by inches.

But really WHY?! Its not going to change any faster...just makes you look like a tool sitting half way in the intersection. What i find really amusing is the lights that have the sensors on them. So they reach the lights just as it turns red. They sit..creep forward...the other way gets the green lights...stays green...then they turn red. But does he get the arrow?! NO...he has creeped to far forward! What does he do? Does he go for it? Put it in reverse what? All ways a good laugh watching them panic look both ways..'shit do i go? reverse...crap..fuck...stupid sensor'. Its not the sensor fault, its yours for creeping forward.

Another funny one has to be the one where they have a manual and they creep foward..but roll back..really..come on...really?! Those 2 inches you creeped forward are for...what? I just love it even more when the red light camera goes off. They start raging on their dash board as if it will fix it.

Oh well, to all those cars that creep forward...seriously...it gets you now where

Mr G

Etiquette of Peeing - Male Perspective

2010-04-22T00:45:00.007+10:00

Last week i brought you the etiquette of doing a poo. Now its time to bring Part 1 of this 2 part series - Etiquette of Peeing. Today's will be about the Male Perspective and hopefully can cover everything.

At Home - Living Alone
No rules here. Just piss where ever. Most likely will be the shower in the morning. The seat will never be down, except when doing a poo. And if you miss? Meh, it will dry up. Drunk? Hey that's what the bush is for out the front of the house.

At Home - With Roommates
This is a tricky one, cause if its female room mates than you gotta pee outside more. If it's male roommates, pretty simple. Same rules apply as above, but when you get REALLY trashed, you pee on the bed of the room mate you really wish was gone. Also, great party game: See how far up a person you could pee if they are passed out on the floor.

Now the female room mate will complain about pissing on the seat/floor so what you gotta do is 'water the garden' three times a day. Basically piss outside. She may know, but will be quite pleased its not on the floor anymore.

At Home - Wife/Kids
OK, hopefully by the time you are married you have mastered how to pee into a bowl. I know its hard for men to do so. however you NEED to learn this skill. 80% of divorces occur cause men cant pee properly. And you have to learn how to put the seat down! No, you can not go outside..what will the neighbours think if your penis is out while your kids are playing in the backyard?

At a Friends place
Its ok to go at the friends place. They wont mind. Its not like the week before when you were throwing up all over their sisters bedroom floor (Relax, the sister was away for the weekend!)

At a Girlfriends place
Its ok to use the toilet. But if you miss, get that toilet paper ready. You will need to clean it up. Air freshener? Its an idea to use cause seriously, if they find the smell of urine in there consider yourself out on your ass! Don't wipe either guys! Huge mistake. it leaves streaks and women know all about cleaning. Just gently pat it and soak it up.

At the In-Laws
Same rules apply as the Girlfriends place. The only thing is, you should probably not use the toilet at all. It can say a lot about your character to these people if you are willing to just walk into there house a flop your dick out. I know its behind close doors, but what are you doing behind close doors with their daughter?

Public - Nightclubs/Pubs/Sporting Events
As long as you re in the bathroom, that's good enough. They look run down, smell of urinal and cheap sex and spilt alcohol. Seriously, no one will even notice.

Public - Shopping Centres/Public Toilets
Aim for the urinal. No, you cant not pee in the basin like in a nightclub, cause little kids will be here. Explain that one to the Police if a kid walks in and your penis is out in the basin.

Camping/Nature/Golf Courses/Parks etc
Behind a tree really. Just make sure no one can see. Also, ensure Police aren't around...you will be slapped with a public urination fine.

Swimming Pools
Everyone does it so why not you? No. No no no! I have to swim in that! Do it in the ocean cause its so big and contaminated with oil and other things. But please no more in swimming pools! If you must do it in water, save it for the shower.

In the Car
Probably wouldn't have thought about this one now would you? But what if you are on that long road trip and you re making EXCELLENT time? Well, its quite simple. PULL OVER. Do not try to use a bottle, you have hard enough time peeing in a bowl. And if you can fit your penis in a bottle? Well, I'm sorry to say, you have a small penis.

Well that pretty much covers everything. Hopefully i can work on the female perspective as well and get onto it! Also if i missed something, please send me a mention.

Mr G

Etiquette of doing a Poo

2010-04-08T00:27:00.005+10:00

Well, i think its time for something a little different. I was thinking the etiquette of doing a poo. Everyone needs to do one once a day, but what is the etiquette for those sticky situations? Here is a basic users guide on when and what sort of actions you need to take when you have to go twosies.

At Home
There is no real rules here. Its your house. Leave the door open, anytime of the day, dont use toilet paper, dont flush whatever. There is no rules at your house. All bets are off. Friends are over? Hey, it is your houes. They should be honoured to be in the presence of such a smell.

At a Friends Place
This is well within the realms of ok, however it is frowned upon. If you DO need to go, make it quick and dont tell the friend it was a poo. Just hope and pray it doesnt smell. If it does, open the window and just quickly form an excuse like 'I gotta go home, i left the oven on' or 'I really need to do a poo, gotta go home'

Girlfriends/Boyfriends Place
There are seperate tiers for this one. If you just started dating them, its probably not a good idea to poo in their company at all since this will take vauable time away from getting to know them. Also, plan ahead. Poo at least 3 hours before seeing them. Dont need to go? Well too bad! Force something out. Even if it takes 3 hours. As the relationship progresses, you are more and more likely to drop the kids off at the pool at his/her place. Just hope its not a big one that doesnt flush. If that happens you have two options: Jump out the window or get the toilet brush. But the real issue is if you flush too many times they will know something is up. Better jump that window!

In Laws
Plain and simple - NEVER.

Public
See - In Laws. There is one exception to this law, and thats if you are literally about to shit your pants. I mean turtle neck to the point its coming in contact with your underwear, than you go find a toilet and LINE THAT BAD BOY with toilet paper. Triple layered.

Camping
There is no rules out here. Just ensure you are out of sight of people before you let rip in nature. Also good idea to have something to wipe with. Leaves or a dead rabbit is good.

Well, im sure there are other situations that i havent covered, but these are the basics 'need to knows' for now. If you have others, let me know.

Cheers
Mr G

If I Were a Girl

2010-02-20T23:23:00.002+11:00

Time for another 'Song remix' i guess, this is 'If i were a Girl' to the tune of 'If i were a Boy' by Beyonce. Starting to become a habit of mine, with another Beyonce one on the horrizon.

If i were a girl even just for a day
I'd stay in my bed in the morning
And touch me where i wanted
And go fondle breasts in the mirror

And clean after boys
I'd scrub it with who i wanted
And i'd remove all of the dirt for him
'Cause he likes it clean

If i were a girl
I think i would masturbate
How it feels to bleed monthly
i swear i'd clean the kitchen

I'll bring him a beer
'cause i know it will be cold
When you drop the beer you wanted
'cause you taking me for granted
And everything i got you've destroyed

If i were a girl
i would start the laundry
Iron the clothes everday
So they'd think i was cleaning alone

Get down on my knees
And take it deep as i go
'Cause i know that i can deep throat
Waiting for him to cum on me, to cum on me

If i were a girl
i think i would masturbate
How it feels to bleed monthly
i swear i'd clean the kitchen

I'd let him slip it in
'cause i know how it hurts
When you lose your willpower
'cause he's taking your virginty
And everything you had is bleeding

Its a little too late for my period
Say opps im pregnant
Think i would know the father
if you thought i would pill for you
you thought wrong

But youre just a girl
you like to have sex
And you like a have sex oh
how it feels to have a dick inside
deep inside you wish you pulled out

You dont listen to reason
You dont care if youre wrong
Until you lose the one cock you wanted
'cause you're nagging him for no reason
And everything you had got destroyed
But youre just a girl

Mr G

I Like Big Cocks

2010-01-19T21:22:00.003+11:00

Time for another 'Song remix' i guess, this is 'I like big Cocks' to the tune of 'i like big butts' by Sir Mix-alot

*Intro*

OMG Tim, look at his cock! It's sooo big! He looks like one of those porn stars.
But you know, who understands those porn stars? They only sex with others because its cheaper than a prostitute, kay?
I mean, his cock, it's just so BIG! I can't believe it's just so round it's like hanging there i mean gross!
Look, he's just so.....black!

*cue music*

I like big Cocks and i can not lie
You other sisters cant deny
When a guy walks in with a long thing between his legs
You get wet! Wanna take off your Pants!
Deep in the jocks he's wearing
I'm hooked and i can't stop stroking
Oh, Porn Star, i wanna make you cum
And taste your seaman
My boyfriend tried to warn me
But that cock you got makes me so HORNY!
Ooh, Rub-o-fore skin
You say you wanna get in my pants?
Well, use me, use me
Cause you ain't the average pornstar
I've seen them flopping
To hell with foreplay
He's Erect, Hard
Got it going like a Jack Hammer
I'm tired of Muzzers
Sayin' their the best
Take the average woman, and ask her that
He's gotta pack much balls
So Ladies (yeah) Ladies (yeah!)
Has your boyfriend got the cock? (Hell yeah!)
Tell 'em to Flop it (flop it!) Flop it! (flop it)
Flop that healthy Cock
Baby got Balls!

I like 'em round and big
And when im gagging a pin
I just cant help myself, i'm acting like a whore
Now where's my condom?
I wanna get you to bed
And ugh, double up, ugh ugh!
I ain't talking about Porno's
'Cause bad story lines are for Neighbours
I want em real thick and juicy
So find that juicy double
Mr G's in balls deep
Begging for a peice of scrotum
So im looking at rap videos
Gangsta-gunhole rappers rapping like bros!
You can have them Asians
I'll keep my fun like Black men
A word to the thick White Men, i wanna hump you
I wont spit or stop ya
But i gotta be straight when i say i wanna fuck
Till the break of the bed
Penis got it goin' on
A lot of nips wont like this sing
'Cause their penis like to stay short and flop
And i'd rather hard and long
'Cause im tall and blonde
And i'm down to get the friction on
So Fellas (Yeah) Fellas (Yeah)
If you wanna roll in my silk sheet (Yeah)
Then pants down, Flop it out
Every White girl got to shout
Baby got Balls!

So your boyfriend pulls out a 'conda, something to ponder
But 'conda ain't got a venom in the back of its pond-a
My vagina don't want none
Unless you got the testes hun
You can do penis pumps or viagra
But please dont lose them nuts
Some women wanna play with your hard one
And tell you that the cock aint gold
So they toss it off and leave it
And pull out quick to miss it
So Cosmo says your small
Well i aint down with that!
Cause you balls are small but your cock is swinging!
And im thinking about sticking
To the small cocks in prono's
You aint it, Asian men!
Give me a G-string, i cant resist it
Pink bits and hair didnt miss him
Some handjob tried to mess up
Cause her boy came to early
She had game and he hit it
And he pulls out to cum on it
So Fellas, if the Cock is round,
And you want a Triple X root,
Dial 1900-SLUTSRUS
And kick them nasty whores
Baby Got Balls!

Enjoy! Mr G

Steve Diggler - A Life as a Stripper (Part 1)

2009-09-27T22:45:00.007+10:00

Steve Diggler - A Life as a Stripper. - Part 1

Today im here to tell the story of Steve Diggler - Male Stripper. This is a tail of sweat, tears, nudity, hardness and limp.

'Steve Diggler, some say, was born to be a Stripper. Strippers arent made. He is a once in a life time work of art moulded by god to be a Stripper. He is truly the pinnicle of our generation.' - Ronald 'Donkey Boy' Milton.

This quote sums up Steve Diggler. He was/is a once in a life time stripper. We will explore how he can to be, and you will see Steve Diggler was BORN to STRIP.

Steve Diggler was born during a filming of a porn scence. His mother at the time had not realised she was pregnant due to the fact that the producers, close to 12 months ago, asked her to gain wait for a new special: Chubbsters. (It eventually turned into a secruity company). This was a huge shock to the filming crew, but eventually a movie was saved from it and marked Steve's first foray into film: Stick it Hard, Stick it Long, and Along comes a Baby.

'That birth scene set a new benchmark for pornographic films. It was all most a documentry. However, it did spell the end of the Director.' - Larry Films (Pornographic film critic)

'We have seized the footage and all possessions relating to the film Stick it Hard, Stick it Long and Along comes a Baby. Charges have been laid for the Director and the Producers for filming minors in underage sex acts and we expect them to be fully prosecuted in accordance of the law' - Sgt Harry Stand Melbourne Police.

The Director and producer both got 17 years for there role in the film. Both served 11 of them.

Here is Steve Diggle at a young age strutting his stuff. As you can see, he was definatly born to be a stripper. The leg kick, the shorts, the pose, the smile. It screams 'Damn, im sexy. Sex me'. Sex him people did.

'Steve had the best penis i have ever seen. Smooth, round, big. He was such a good lover. He really didnt care what i wanted. It was the best. However, once he was done he left. I wanted to stay and cuddle but he was gone.' - Former lover who wishes to be unnamed (Kirsten Bell)

Doveton - The Saga Begins

2009-08-30T15:24:00.008+10:00

Doveton is something myself and Timothy has thought up of. Its like Neighbours/Home and Away and all that crap. But its a satire. Its based on a real suburb, i hope you enjoy it.

Doveton - Episode 1: The Saga begins.

Our Story begins with our hero, Timothy Awesome, who has just moved from the Upper Class riches off Toorak, to the run down society of Doveton. How has this happen you find yourself asking. Well, read on and you will find out.

Tim in his Stripper Mood

Tim was an elite Porn star. He has such movies like 'Back Door Sluts Enter thru the Front', 'Nurses and Maids are code names for sex' and 'Handicap Porn III'. Any roll Tim wanted, he got. The ladies literally orgasmed over him, the men wanted to be him. He had it all. Fame, Fortune, and a giant penis. However, his latest movie 'Tight Tight Tight Vagina's and One Huge Cock' ended in a tragic misfortune. Timothy's' penis would be changed forever. He tried to put it inside one of the 'Female Star' only that she was sooo tight, it bent his penis sideways. He was banish from the society, unable to work. All his money put into straighting his Penis out. However, even thought his Penis was fixed, Tim was banned from the industry since the Female star, who we can not name for legal reasons, sued and ensured he could never work again.

Desperate and in despair, Tim had no other option but to find accommodation in the only place that would accept jobless, homeless people. The place: Doveton.

It was Monday Morning on August 10th, 2009. Timothy had just bought his new place in windy Doveton. Typical Doveton weather, windy, cold, wet. Tim took the old Princes Highway down past the Prince Mark where he saw his first landmark: Kell Ttitties. Kell Ttitties is the local slut/prostitute. Usually her services are free, which has lead to her being called 'The Hussey'. Tim had to ask for directions as he was all ready lost in this small suburban town, and The Hussey was the only one in sight he could ask for directions. (No one else is up before midday in Doveton). The conversation went like this

Hussey 'What you want love? Blowie? Gobbie? Full Frontal? More into Fetishes? I can do the Ping Pong Show! Learnt it from the Asian couple down on Ti Tree Drive'

Tim 'Uh..I'm looking for directions. See, I'm new in town. I'm trying to get to Hibiscus Court. I'm Tim. And you are?'

Hussey 'Kell. But people call me The Hussey. Go straight down, turn right, than left, hang another left, head up pass one, two, three men i slept with this morning, and hang a right. Cant miss it. Blowjob for your troubles?'

Tim 'Uh...No...no...thanks.'

With that, Tim speed off, quite taken back by this Hussey Character.

On the way to his place, Tim notice two very different gangs that occupied Doveton. We have, hanging out at Linden place in 'their territory' West Side, which looks pretty much like a gay song and dance all the time, in fact Tim saw them rehearsing to the lyrics of The Sound of Music. Also he noticed the other gang, East Side Stoners hanging at Autumn Place. They are pretty much stoners who do nothing but smoke and deal pot all day and are too lazy to even bother trying to defend their territory from West Side. More on them later.

Tim arrived at his new place and there he met his, well, eccentric neighbour, Katherine 'The Cat Lady' Sourgrape. Upon arriving, he was greeted by a cat being thrown in his face. 'NOT ANOTHER DEADBEAT DOLE BLUDGER IN MY COURT' shouted Katherine. Tim had good mind to put her in her place, but decided against it since he was half way to his door. Upon entering, there we see his two new roommates: David Ganja and Stephen Wasted. Two Stoners who do nothing but smoke pot and deal weed all day and live off the dole.

David 'Hey man....what? Cool.'

Steve 'Yeah man....who? Cool.'

Tim 'Uh, hi. I'm Tim. Nice to meet you'

David 'Dude, someone....nah spacing again'

Steve 'Nah i...see it.'

Tim 'Well, I'm your new roommate. What is with this place? Everyone seems so...odd'

David 'Nah bro....this is Doveton'

Steve 'Dove....tin'

Tim 'Oh...god no'

To be contuined....

Like Tahotally Amazing...Not.

2009-08-17T00:08:00.005+10:00

When i started this blog, it was all because some idiot decided to dress up in an iPod costume (guthrdav45.blogspot.com/2009/03/icostume.html) and realised that blogger was for idiots. So i kept his blog bookmarked just to see if there were any other costumes...sadly, none. However, he did post this blog (found here) which i just have to share. Its his 'Like Tahotally Amazing' Blog on Lake Tahoe which he lists in point form and I'm going to point out how ridiculously stupid they are.

Cycling along the marina, down to the beach.

Ok...I'm sorry, I've never ridden by bike along a beach before or from one place to a beach. I mean, there is sand and water. Unless this water is the fountain of youth, its still just water with sand, which i believe is around 95% of all beaches have?? And riding a bike...Wow..not impressive.

Staring into a clear night's sky, stars like lights on a ceiling.

QUICKLY LOOK AT THE LIGHT ON THE CEILING! Blinded? You should be cause that's what lights on a ceiling does to you! I've never looked up at a ceiling and gone 'Wow, this reminds me of a clear night full of stars' cause i all ways get BLINDED. You idiot.

Floating on a peddle boat, dangling your feet in the crystal clear water

People, the last time i was on a peddle boat you had to PEDDLE it. These boats are not floating boats, otherwise they would be called floating boats. Your feet are not there for dangling...they could be cut off if an actual peddle boat comes past. Hey, i know what I'll be doing on a peddle boat when I'm on it next...peddling.

Skimming stones on the lake as dusk settles

Why does it have to be when dusk settles? Why cant it be when the sun rises? Does it have to be skimming stones? Can i skim a dead body? All valid questions. However, it still remains why we need to do it at dusk. Other, more entertaining activities also include Jelly Wrestling, Sexual intercourse and Grand Theft Auto on the Laptop you brought.

Having a Milkshake, walking along a boardwalk, while families frolic on the beach
Sharing a Beer with friends, under July 4th Fireworks

I'm sorry, which one is it? Milkshake or Beer? You cant have it both ways however i just thought of a brilliant new milkshake flavour. I dunno if beer is the right thing for families on the beach....especially since they will be there during the day which isn't a good time to go drinking. And what about the kids! i can see a 3 year old knocking back a beer now. Make up your mind, is it beer or milkshake families?

I hope this guy really stays as much of an idiot as he is cause i could use his material more often. Feedback appreciated.

Mr G

Stevie (Blind when Drunk) Wonder and Kat (Cat) S Part 3

2009-08-13T15:42:00.005+10:00

Stevie (Blind when Drunk) Wonder and Kat (Cat) S

Two white rappers with no talent. This is their story.

Part 3: Sorry, Excitement Xylophones Under Arrest, Lady (SEXUAL)

Sorry, Excitement Xylophones Under Arrest, Lady (SEXUAL) was formed in early 2007 when Stevie (Blind when Drunk) Wonder met up with Kat (Cat) S in a rap contest. It was here that BWD and Cat had a immediate like for each others work. However, no one else did.

BWD and Cat started penning their first album together under their new act name SEXUAL. Their first single released was 'Microphone Microphone, its what we use to sing into'. The problem with this single was the fact they were rappers, and rappers don't sing. It didn't even chart in the market where BWD was best known for, Tibetan charts.

Even though they were struggling for money, and BWD selling his body for...well, unmentionable acts, and Cat going back to breeding cats, they realised their first album 'Organic Rabbit Goes Away. Simple, Machine (ORGASM). Due to the title being shorten to ORGASM it was a raging favourite in the sex charts, peaking at number 1 for the first week, selling an amazing 154,000 records. However, when people realised what it was, it set a new record for most album returns within a week...154,000.

SEXUAL ended 2007 with a range of awards including 'Worst New Rap Act' and 'Most likely to be caught having sex with animals'

2008 saw a change in direction for the duo. Instead of heading west to record albums and singles, they moved to the east, which upsetted absolutely no one. The decided to move once again to the quiet coastal town of Sydney, to get away from all the hustle and bustle of Melbourne.

It was Sydney where BWD met his new girlfriend Candy. Candy had a like for...Candy. She wasnt the brightest person and suggested they write a rap song named Candy. All about Candy. BWD did write a song about Candy as a side project to SEXUAL. However, when he sung about the chocolate, his girlfriend was not too impressed with this. Needless to say 2008 ended with the couple breaking up. Leasthe got some boob action.

So around comes 2009 what will SEXUAL have for the future? With their 2nd album in works at the moment, and no hope based on their past failings, one has to ask...Why do they keep trying??

Mr G

Stevie (Blind when Drunk) and Kat (Cat) S. Part 2

2009-08-12T13:15:00.005+10:00

Stevie (Blind when Drunk) and Kat (Cat) S.

Two white rappers with no talent. This is their story.

Part 2: Kat (Cat) S.

Kat (Cat) S. was born in a little country town called Toorak on Jan 15th 1986. From an early age, Kat had an fascination with cats. She started playing with them as soon as could walk and have been caring for them ever since. At the ripe old age of 7 she was granted a title 'Crazy Cat Pre-teen illegal to have sex with Girl'.

With the cats all ways meowing in the back ground, Kat decided to pursue rapping, at the age of 10 realising a very very very oh so very unsuccessful song 'Meow' where she just recorded her cats meowing. 'It was like slaughtering a goat' according to Rolling Stones Magazine. With this setback, Kat managed to finish Primary School like her now co-rapper at the age of 11 in 1997.

During High School, Kat also entered the High School Talent show like Stevie, however at completely different schools. He re-mix of the early very unsuccessful 'like slaughtering a goat' single 'Meow' proved equally unpopular, getting booed and hiss off the staged. Did this not deter Kat and decided to take a new approach: Put words in her songs.

In 2002 Kat released a new single, titled 'Water'. With the noise of oceans and seas in the background, it sounded more of a song for amateur night at the local Poetry club rather than a rap song where the only lyrics was 'H to da 2 to da O.o.ooooo' It peaked at a low low looooooooww 514 on the Japanese charts. The best result for Kat ever.

Later in the year, Kat released her album 'Fire Extinguishers are for putting out Fires' which was a sure fire flop. Maybe they needed a Fire Extinguisher to put out her career. This did no deter Kat, as she spent the next 2 years locked away in a Monk Monastery learning the ways of the Nun. The results were inclusive.

Early 2005 saw Kat back in the studio to record her, still unfinished project, 'Nuns and Monks: The forbidden Love', rumoured to be unfinished because no studio would waste resources on it, even if paid $1million and no record company would sign her up, even if paid $10million as both feel they would end up losing more money due to a poor reputation with the public as a result of signing Kat up.

It was early 2007 that Kat met up with Stevie (Blind when Drunk) Wonder to form the all white group: Sorry, Excitement Xylophones Under Arrest, Lady! (SEXUAL!).

Part 3 will continue with the SEXUAL! story.

Mr G

Stevie (Blind when Drunk) Wonder and Kat (Kat) S.

2009-08-12T00:44:00.006+10:00

Stevie (Blind when Drunk) Wonder and Kat (Cat) S.

Two white rappers with no talent. This is their story.

Part 1: Stevie (Blind when Drunk) Wonder

Stevie (Blind when Drunk) Wonder was born in a little seaside town called St Kilda on August 17th 1987. From a young age, he started drinking, in fact getting drunk off rum balls at the ripe old age of . Here it was he impressed a family Christmas party, in 1991, with his own version of Ice Ice Baby. Since this wasn't hard to emulate, and due to the fact he was very drunk off Rum Balls, he focused his music life to rapping.

However, an early setback in 1993 was his name, and the legal action presented on him by the real Stevie Wonder. It was at this point he needed a Rapper name to sell his music by and so Blind When Drunk (BWD) was born.

His first album, released at 7, titled 'Rum Balls for Kids' was a sure fire flop, peaking at a woeful 278 in the New Zealand Charts and failing to chart anywhere else on the planet. However, it did chart at #3 on the Tibetan Charts, although it was the only album realised there in over 50 years, losing to The Complete Works of Mozart (Selling 3 records) and Tibetan Love Making Songs (Selling 2 records). In fact, the only sale was a mistake as it got mixed up with Mozart.

The next 5 years saw BWD go into exile (Attend Schooling) where he finally finished Primary School at the age of 11. Not an achievement as 98% of kids that age do pass Primary school first time around.

BWD continue to pursue Rapping even in high school. He entered the Talent Show in 2000 with a song simply entitled 'Masturbation'. Needless to say, demonstrating it on stage isn't considered a talent, and was promptly suspended for the next 2 weeks from school.

BWD continue his studies, doing music all the way through, and even graduating in 2005 with all his honours in Musical Studies, however failed to complete English as, in his words, 'Could not see any rhythm of beat'. It was Early 2006 that he realised a somewhat uncontroversial single 'Pants and Trousers' where he raps about Pants and Trousers. It, again, didn't chart at all. It was followed up by his 2nd album in the same year 'T-Shirts and Shorts are not for Winter' pretty much summing up what any sane person would not wear in Winter, especially how cold it gets in St Kilda.

It was early 2007 that BWD met up with now his associate act, Kat (Cat) S to form the all White Rap Group: Sorry, Excitement Xylophones Under Arrest Lady (SEXUAL)

Part 2 will continue with Kat (Cat) S story following up with the Duo

Facebook Stalker Song

2009-07-31T00:25:00.004+10:00

Well, i thought of doing something different after talking to two lovely friends of mine. I thought of a Song for Facebook stalkers...the tune i use is a classic Stalker song by Sting, Every Breath you take.

Every Status Update you do
Every Application you add
Every Friend you add
Every Wall Post you make
I'll be watching you

Every Time you Log on
Every Word you Type
Every Application you Play
Every Group you Join
I'll be watching you

Oh cant you see
You belong on my Friend List
How my poor Wall Posts Lack
With every Status Update you Do

Every Mouse Click you Make
Every Page you View
Every Lol you use
Every Emoticon you type
I'll be watching you

Since you've gone Private i've been unable to View your Profile
I Dream at night I can only see your Picture Tags
I Look at other Profiles But its you i Cant View
I Feel so Offline and i long for your Wall Post
I Keep Poking you, baby, Please

Oh Cant you see
You belong on my Friend List
How my Poor Wall Posts Lack
With Every Status Update you do

Every Status Update you do
Every Application you add
Every Friend you add
Every Wall Post you Make
I'll be Watching You

Every Status Update you Do
Every Wall Post you Make
I'll Be Watching you

I'll Be Watching You
I'll Be Watching You
I'll Be Watching You

Enjoy! Mr G

Bad Bloggers

2009-06-27T06:03:00.005+10:00

Wow. I was browsing blogs to make fun of and i can across this delightful person and i just felt the need to post something.

Lets get some feedback first on this person who has such a delightfully painful and stupid blog.

Her name is Cami. She is 20 years old.

Good start Cami.

She works as a hair stylist. Its the 'FUNNEST' job in the world.

Well, Cami. I'm sorry to say funnest is not a word. Hair stlyist?? I'm sorry i think being Hugh Hefner would be the 'Funnest' job in the world. That's from a male prespective. But keep up with a job that suits your IQ of about 90. While we are at it, the closest word to 'Funnest' is actually 'Funest' which is an adjective meaning boding or causing evil or death; fatal; disastrous. Im taking your job is one that causes evil or death. I suggest you don't quit your job cause its highly unlikely you would get a job anywhere else.

Cami has an amazing boyfriend she has so much fun with!

REALLY?! Fuck me...you have fun with your boyfriend and he is amazing??? I think the two go hand in hand. Now Cami next line wasn't the brightest moment in her 'introduction' but it made me laugh.

i have the cutest neice and nephew! and soon to be another nephew and another baby in september!

Cami...you are female. You can not be a nephew unless you under go some surgery. Also to add you are 'soon to be ANOTHER nephew'. You can not be more than one nephew if you were a nephew in the first place. Also you list all these neices and nephews than at the end it's 'another baby' i feel sorry for this baby! You don't take the time to list any relation to you.

Well, Cami finishes up by saying thats just a little insight into my life and the things i love most. Ok. Cool. You love your boyfriend. You seem to enjoy a job that brings evil to people, in your words. What about your siblings? Do you have siblings? You don't love your parents? How do they feel about being left out? What about your friends? You're from Utah, the home of Mormans...family should be the first thing in your list. Im am outraged that you forgot your parents.

I was reading her latest blog about Lake Powell (Notice the capitals at the start?) and where do i begin to pick this apart? (For my readers the post is here: http://camibrems.blogspot.com/2009/06/lake-powell-2009.html) Pretty basic, had a good time, ate junk food, bad whether etc. But she gets to stay on the Arizona side of the lake next week which will be very different. ITS A FUCKEN LAKE. ITS THE SAME ON BOTH SIDES. The only difference is she is in a different state! Just like our Murry river...ITS NO FUCKING DIFFERENT than staying on either side.

Well, Australia, i made my anger clear, and pulled apart her blog. Cami, welcome to the list of blogs i will be watching from now on. The best thing about you being mentally challenged is you got 5 Blogs i can look at and pull apart.

Mr G

Midget Blog

2009-06-18T18:43:00.002+10:00

The Midget Blog

Well, i was away in the UK for the past week and someone suggested i do a blog on the English. i decieded against this, however she did give me a good idea for Midgets. What are they? Where do they come from? What do they do? How do you treat one?

Well all that will be answered for you below.

What are they?

Midgets are a smaller form of Humans. They usually are jolly type characters, well rounded and grow to a massive 2 feet tall. Puddles post drowning risks so it not unusual for them to be wearing life jackets or floaties when it is raining outside. Small items, usually reserved for 'Not Suitable for 3years and under' apply to midgets as well.

Where do they come from?

Origins of Midgets are somewhat clouded in mystery still to this day. Alot of people have studied them, and spent years on trying to work out exactly where they come from. The most common theory out there is they evolved, just like Humans. However, they didnt come from mammels like our ancestors, they came from more a plant life. To be exact, Potatoes are their origins. They saw the capabilities of these walking, living breathing animals and decided as potatoes, would go up through the dirt and explore life just like the others thus being the first plant life with intellgence.

What do they do?

Midgets dont do much, except they are highly sort after by freak shows where people pay to look, point and laugh at how small they are. This is how they make their earnings. Now, midgets dont need money as most people do (usually cause they cant see above the counter to buy anything) but rather enjoy getting paid with Bananas.

How do you treat a midget?

You have to be delicate when treating midgets as they are fragile and tend to break, espically when you post them through the mail. Just as in freak shows, you can point and laugh at them. They generally enjoy this if you've thrown them a banana first. Whats the worst that could happen? They might bite your ankles, in which case you can easily step on them.

And thats all you need to know about midgets. Any further questions or information needed just ask.

Mr G

Marriage for a Man

2009-06-09T16:59:00.004+10:00

Today i thought i would write about the 'Pro's and Con's' of marriage for a man.

Lets start with the Cons

Having to wake up to the same person every single bloodly day.

I think the title says it all. Why would you want to roll over and see that same face? what if they arent to 'standard' after 5 years? Just not good enough. Woman have to maintain a standard and have to look good when they are 60 years old.

Joint bank accounts.

Why should she share in your wealth? You been out there earning the hard money, and SHE gets to spend it on new shoes and dresses? Not fair. And how does shoes improve the quality of living? You only need 3 pairs: Work shoes, Sports Shoes and Suit shoes. Thongs are not shoes.

Having to spend 'alone time' with the missus.

Its called ALONE time meaning to be ALONE. Not snuggling with your significant other. Not going on sunday drives to the country side to see a nice quint little town. No. Alone times means spending time on your own, most likely masturbating to porn or watching that sport show you love some much.

Less Sex

Lets face it. Youre going to get less sex. She just not in the mood cause she wants to spend 'Quality Time' with you. There is no such thing as quality time. The real reason why we married you is cause youre the best sex ever. We lock you up expecting to get it all the time. How dumb men can be sometimes.

Try to divorce, it costs money

Stupid really. If you get sick of someone, you should be able to leave with what YOU earnt. Not giving half of it away. Marriage is costly. The wedding cost money, the divorce costs more. And worst of all, they will put a hex out on you with all their female friends, so there goes sleeping with her sister.

And now for the pros...

Nothing. There is no positive for a man. You get sucked in, balls beating up, lose half your money and total freedom and what you get in return? A kid? Wow!! Maybe 2 or 5...which doesnt really matter cause you spend MORE money on them, and unless they are a Tiger Woods or Roger Federer you wont see any of it again.

Mr G

Penis Envy

2009-06-02T01:24:00.005+10:00

DID YOU KNOW that 1 in 2 people suffer from PENIS ENVY? Penis envy you ask...yes its a serious problem among teenagers and adults these days.

How can i help? You ask yourself...well, for starters you can go to a local GP to find out if you have penis envy.

Symptons include
*Enlarged Genetials (This includes Vaginal Flaps and Testicles)
*Uncontrolable Sexual Movement within the pelvic area
*Burning sensation when you eat chilli
*The ability to think you can fly
*Loss of condoms during sexual intercorse.

If any of these are present, you should consult a medical doctor as soon as possible as it may spread.

How do i catch Penis Envy you ask...well there are a number of ways

*Exchanging Bodily Fluids inside a public toilet
*Cooties
*Looking at male geneitally for long periods of time (Main cause for men)
*Masturbating while watching a threesome...the bad threesome (2 men and a woman)

What do i do if i have Penis Envy?

Well there are a range of treatments to help cure the illness. These include
*Cream: Apply to your genetils twice a day
*Tablet: To take with your three meals...may cause hunger
*Anti-presperant Spray: Just cause you smell bad

Penis Envy usually takes 6 months of no sexual activities to clear up, but with these treatments limits it to just 3 months of no sexual activities. That includes using the palm for those 'special occasions' when youre a bit lonely at night and need to rub one out.

So its not deadly? No...out of the 3 billion cases world wide reported, only 2 people have died from Penis Envy....and also drink driving.

Where to now? Well, lets help fight Penis Envy as a team!

Ways to Pick up the ladies

2009-05-13T00:22:00.005+10:00

Been a while since i've blogged so i thought of sharing some sure fire ways to pick up those ladies. Yes lads, feeling a bit lonely? Cronic masturbater?? Well, head out to the town and try some of these classy ways to impress those ladies.

- We Should Have sex.

What woman cant refuse sex? Really, lets be up front about it. JUST GET IT OUT THERE. For extra success: Have your penis out when you ask her...just to show her you are ready!

- Im better looking than your boyfriend.

Hmmm this is a good one. You see, why would you settle for 2nd best when you can have the best? I know if i was a woman i would want to upgrade. Just say its like a new pair of shoes to replace the old ones. Women understand shoes.

- Nice tits.

Well, better way to compliment a woman? This nice little 'two worder' will have her creaming in her pants.

- I have a sports car.

How many times have you seen older men with young hot attractive women cause they have a sports car? Now for this to succedd, you done need a sports car. Just get some cardboard cut outs, and attach it to your car. If you do it right, it will look like a ferrari in no time!

- I would like to touch you in the fun box.

Who wouldnt like to be touched in the fun box? Its a FUN box. It has to be fun. If they refuse this request, clearly the ladies dont want to have fun. FUN BOX is FUN for a reason.

- Wanna see my penis?

Nothing says i love you more than 'wanna see my penis?' Its a confidence pick up line this one. Everyone knows a penis is ugly to look at and your commitment to show it to a girl you just met means you have courage and are proud of it. A lady will be impressed by this courage. She will surely say yes. What could possibly go wrong???

- We should have Anal Sex.

Right. Nothing says i want you more than preparing to shove your cock up her poop hole. She will again be impressed by your willingness to go that extra mile for her. And women LOVE Anal. You know, who wouldnt love something hard and big shoved up their ass???

I put the challenge out there to try these pick up lines. After you say just 2 of these, you will be back at her place banging her brains out. Do you think you have better pick up lines than this? Let me know and i will tell you if they are epic awesomness to get you in with the ladies or a sure fire flop like an old man without viagra.

Mr G

Beer Scam

2009-04-17T14:51:00.001+10:00

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman. Many females use a date-rape-drug on the market called ' Beer' . The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.. Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'. In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'. Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females. Please forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this ' Beer' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book. For a video to see how Beer works click here: Beer Demo

Japan

2009-03-18T20:49:00.001+11:00

Found this photo. Nuff Said.

Willie Stroker

2009-03-16T13:13:00.001+11:00

Came across this photo. Nuff said :)

Public Notices

2009-03-12T23:58:00.004+11:00

Well, i was wondering what could i post today? Its been a while and i need something to get going...I know, lets read the public notices and comment on them.

I shit you not, these are all real.

First up are some sex chat lines.

'Action in 2mins'

You're telling me that for a lazy 1.95pm (thats 3.90 all up) i can get action? On the phone?! Isnt that what they are suppose to do? give action? Now all i want to know is do i have to wait the 2 minutes or does it happen within the 2 minutes...hmmm

'Grannies Plus more'

PLUS MORE?! WHAT MORE COULD YOU POSSIBLE WANT?! ITS GRANNIES!!!!

'Phone Satisfaction'

Yes, pay 1.95 for a phone..that will satisfy you......

'Trannies Live'

There are pre-recorded sex messages?? You mean that they arent all ways live??

'You've been a naughty boy'

No, no i havent.

Yes, these and more are all in the Herald Sun every day. I could go on, and i probably will. Stay tuned.

Mr G

Why Letter Openers are Pointless

2009-03-09T17:27:00.002+11:00

I was watching tv today and i notice that people use letter openers to open a letter. I can see it working for packages that are wrapped up in string, but a normal envelope?? Ok, so where do i start?

An envelope is made out of PAPER. If you are too retarded or not strong enough to rip a peice of paper open, than you dont deserve a letter.

A letter opener is just another knife. I use a knife for butter, if i wanted to open mail, why not just use a butter knife? Its not that hard! Plus i could save about $10 on buying a pointless device that i can easily accomplished with these two little things God gave me...HANDS.

What if the person doesnt have hands? You might ask...Well, you cant exactly hold a letter opener without hands now can you?

Letter openers are pointless....

What guys expect after each date

2009-03-08T22:41:00.003+11:00

Ok this is slowly starting to turn into a sexist blog, but hey with all this feminism around and women TRYING so hard to find the right guy, this might help them actually get a guy.

Here is the thing, Date by Date, what guys want...plus some extra tips for girls to know.

Date 1: A Kiss. Thats if it goes well. If he wants to kiss you, it means he likes you. Well, at least wants to have sex with you.

Date 2: A Grope. Guys love tits, some guys like ass. Either way, guys want to feel and touch the ass or some nice boobs.

Date 3: Hand Job or at least some boobs. By this time, the guy has invested some hard earn money into this 'relationship'. Its time for those ladies to start repaying the man for his effort.

Date 4: Blowjob. If the lady doesnt like giving head, than she better start putting out. A guy will go out with a girl who doesnt give head on one condition: Sex.

Date 5: Time to get Naked. If by this stage the man hasnt seen the lady naked, he will be wondering why he hasnt gone to a prostitute yet. This stage, women can get away by not having sex (im on my period) but that only works for a week.

Date 6-8. SEX TIME. Guys that dont get sex on the 6th date will give it one or two more goes to see if they can get it. Ladies, if you havent put out by this time, its over. The man will merly move on. Get those legs open, and let him slide inside you ladies.

Women, what do you expect? Men are not that hard to please (as seen in the 10 Ways to please a man). Also, if a guy pays for something, it doesnt mean he really likes you. It means he wants more action sooner. No guy is stupid enough to spend money on a lady unless sex is involved. Thats why prostiutes stay in business cause if they wanted to blow money on sex, thats where they go. Same principles in dating.

Top 10 ways to please a Man

2009-03-07T22:32:00.003+11:00

Ok, i did the 10 ways for picking up women, what about the Men??

10. Give him Anal. As homosexual as it sounds, he deep down loves the though of doing it up the bum

9. Handjob in public. Its easy, and hardly noticable.

8. Clean the house. Its generically breed into women...shouldnt be a biggie.

7. Get him a fucken beer when he walks in the door. To be better prepared, you should know when he comes home so its waiting for him on the door step.

6. The remote stays in his hands. Dont try to remove it.

5. Shut the fuck up when he says 'Shut the fuck up'

4. Have Sex with him. We love a good slut.

3. Offer to have sex WITH a best friend of yours (thats hot and female).

2. Cook him a steak. Cook it to his liking. Dont know how to cook? THAN LEARN!

1. Suck his cock. He will be happy forever.

Mr G.

Twitter

2009-03-07T02:17:00.002+11:00

Well, i was finding out what this twitter site was. Still dont understand it cause im half asleep and dont have time to look at it.

However, this quote got me.

Twitter is the first thing on the web that I've been excited about in ages - Jason Kottke, Blogger

'I've been excited about in ages' hmmmm....clearly this man has never seen Porn on the internet before. I believe we need to track him down and show him some good quailty sites that will get him REALLY excited.

Come on, if youre going say something and be quoted, be realistic.

What Pornos would have us to believe

2009-03-07T01:13:00.001+11:00

Im not taking credit for this, but i had to work and forgot to blog something.

http://www.everything2.com/index.pl?node_id=990016

Thirty things porno producers would have us believe...
1. Women wear high heels to bed.
2. Men are never impotent.
3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.
7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
8. Women always orgasm when men do.
9. A blowjob will always get a woman out of a speeding fine.
10. All women are noisy fucks.
11. People in the 70's couldn't fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.
12. Those tits are real.
13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.
14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.
15. If there are two of them they "high five" each other.(and the girl isn't disgusted!)
16. Double penetration makes women smile. (And DVDA really makes them tickled pink)
17. Asian men don't exist.
18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.
19. There's a plot.
20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.
21. Nurses suck patients' cocks.
22. Men always pull out.
23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.
24. Women never have headaches... or periods.
25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it".
26. Assholes are always clean.
27. A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.
28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a cock there.
29. Men don't have to beg.
and finally...
30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.

Top 10 Ways to pick up Women

2009-03-05T19:49:00.004+11:00

Top 10 Ways to pick up Women - These really work!!!

10. Dont chat to women. Women love being ignored. Women dont want attention. They really really dont.

9. Bring your girlfriend along, introduce her to the woman youre trying to pick up. Most chicks love a man who 'shares' his love around.

8. Be a prick. Women love not being treated right.

7. Spill drinks on their dresses than ask them to remove their clothes. A sure fire way to get them naked as quickly as possible.

6. Get as drunk as you can and try to hit on girls. Nothing turns a lady on more than slurred speech and a man not able to stand still in line while slightly slowly falling forward into the guy in front of them.

5. Grab their asses. They dont punch hard.

4. Steal from them, and let them chase you down the street while breaking down in tears. Than return the stolen item back to them a week later saying 'you found it on the footpath' They will loveee that and be in your arms in no time!

3. Act Gay. Hitting on other men is a sure fire way for women to come up to you and start grinding thier body up against yours.

2. Talk all things nerdy. Explain the difference between Star Trek, Star Wars and Battlestar Galactica. If that doesnt work, talk about Pokemon and Dragonball Z. Show them how immature you are. Women love kids.

1. Start doing homosexual stripper moves on your best male friend. What woman cant resist one guy sucking another guys cock???

iCostume

2009-03-04T22:10:00.004+11:00

Ok, so i was browsing the net in my usual boredom and found this Blog about creating an iCostume...yes an iPod to wear.

http://trilby.wordpress.com/

Now, let me 'quote' this young gentleman.

'making the awesomest Halloween costume ever. Ok, so strictly speaking an iPod isn’t that scary, but a giant one sure is a little unsettling.'

AWESOMEST?? I think putting a white sheet and poking two eye holes in it is slightly better, or maybe dressing up like The Joker would be more 'aweseomest'. As for unsettling? Very unsettling if you're a GROWN MAN.

'Step 1. Find a box. Now this may seem like an obvious instruction, but you need to make sure your box is a good fit.'

Damn, here i was emptying matches from my match box, cause i thought it would be a REAL replica of an iPod, not a life size cut out....

'Step 2. Get yourself some acryllic paint. It’s got to be acryllic, people, or else it won’t stick on properly.'

People? You mean, there are more than one person besides yourself that would reach step 2?? Wow! COME ON PEOPLE! This man KNOWS what he is talking about!!! I just wonder..what type of job he has??

'Step 3. Get a painting. Go on, slap it on'

Slap it on what? You go from saying picking a box 'isnt as obvious as it sounds' to saying 'slap it on' for the paint. Do i slap it on myself? Get two scantily dressed ladies off the street and 'slap it on' them? Im soooo lost at this step!!! Im glad i passed grade 1 art class to actually know what to do...but what about those that havent? You say people cant find the right box, yet know how to paint???

'Step 4. Get a dinner plate and draw a nice big O towards the bottom of the pod. This is your click-wheel. Then draw an oblong at the top. This is your screen. Now, take your black paint and mix it in with the white, making a nice pale grey. Then slap it on the O.'

Why do we need the dinner plate than? Are we having dinner while we are doing this? Now, i know some may go 'its to trace the O onto the cupboard box' but you do realise, not all dinner plates are round? I only have square plates, so what do we do in this situation?? I personally like the idea of getting a dinner plater...ONLY IF THERE IS FOOD ON IT!!!

'Step 5. Then make a slightly darker grey for the screen. Voila. Looking good, isn’t it?'

No. Not Really.

'Step 6. Right, here’s where it gets fiddly. You need to draw a smaller O in the middle of your big one. I used the inside of a roll of duct-tape, but you can use what you want. Be creative. Then the wheel needs some play/fast-forward/re-wind/MENU buttons and the main screen needs its song. Choose any song you like! And here’s where you need your blue food colouring. Mix it into some white paint and you can use it for the play button in the top left and progress bar'

I believe when you write a step by step instructional, you do ONE THING AT A TIME, not..wait...5 things as you wrote here. Where do i start to pick holes in this one? 'I used the inside of a roll of duct tape, but you can use what you want. Be creative.' Wow! He is giving us creative license to use WHATEVER WE WANT to draw a smaller O. Fuck me silly. Wow. Get out. No fucken way! Its still a friggen O.

Why do we need to mix the blue food colouring with white paint? Cant we just get blue paint? Shouldnt we use the blue food colouring for...food, and use blue paint for...painting??

'Step 7. You’re pretty much there. Oh, except you need some earphones. I bought two shower-heads from Homebase for £6 each and taped them to some electical wire. Nice, huh?'

You spent 12 pounds on novetly head phones?? Im sure you could have hired a better costume for less than 12 pounds....Nice huh?...Honestly, no. You look like a wanker who has no job or girlfriend and had some free time cause World of Warcrafrt server was down. What amazes me is this isnt something that is going to be a neccassary to have a step by step instructional on...its not like putting a table together from Ikea.

Wow just an informative peice if you want to make an iPod costume. Its great for people between the ages of 3-7 i have to say, however i fail to see a 3-7 year old browsing the net for such a thing. Any educated retard can do this. But what can be said??

Mr G

My New Blog

2009-03-04T21:55:00.000+11:00

Well here it is! My New Blog! Stay Tuned as we have fun poking fun at everyone else, just because they are stupid, moronic or just dont plain like them. Ides and suggestions are welcome!!!