Etiquette of Peeing - Male Perspective

Last week i brought you the etiquette of doing a poo. Now its time to bring Part 1 of this 2 part series - Etiquette of Peeing. Today's will be about the Male Perspective and hopefully can cover everything.

At Home - Living Alone
No rules here. Just piss where ever. Most likely will be the shower in the morning. The seat will never be down, except when doing a poo. And if you miss? Meh, it will dry up. Drunk? Hey that's what the bush is for out the front of the house.

At Home - With Roommates
This is a tricky one, cause if its female room mates than you gotta pee outside more. If it's male roommates, pretty simple. Same rules apply as above, but when you get REALLY trashed, you pee on the bed of the room mate you really wish was gone. Also, great party game: See how far up a person you could pee if they are passed out on the floor.

Now the female room mate will complain about pissing on the seat/floor so what you gotta do is 'water the garden' three times a day. Basically piss outside. She may know, but will be quite pleased its not on the floor anymore.

At Home - Wife/Kids
OK, hopefully by the time you are married you have mastered how to pee into a bowl. I know its hard for men to do so. however you NEED to learn this skill. 80% of divorces occur cause men cant pee properly. And you have to learn how to put the seat down! No, you can not go outside..what will the neighbours think if your penis is out while your kids are playing in the backyard?

At a Friends place
Its ok to go at the friends place. They wont mind. Its not like the week before when you were throwing up all over their sisters bedroom floor (Relax, the sister was away for the weekend!)

At a Girlfriends place
Its ok to use the toilet. But if you miss, get that toilet paper ready. You will need to clean it up. Air freshener? Its an idea to use cause seriously, if they find the smell of urine in there consider yourself out on your ass! Don't wipe either guys! Huge mistake. it leaves streaks and women know all about cleaning. Just gently pat it and soak it up.

At the In-Laws
Same rules apply as the Girlfriends place. The only thing is, you should probably not use the toilet at all. It can say a lot about your character to these people if you are willing to just walk into there house a flop your dick out. I know its behind close doors, but what are you doing behind close doors with their daughter?

Public - Nightclubs/Pubs/Sporting Events
As long as you re in the bathroom, that's good enough. They look run down, smell of urinal and cheap sex and spilt alcohol. Seriously, no one will even notice.

Public - Shopping Centres/Public Toilets
Aim for the urinal. No, you cant not pee in the basin like in a nightclub, cause little kids will be here. Explain that one to the Police if a kid walks in and your penis is out in the basin.

Camping/Nature/Golf Courses/Parks etc
Behind a tree really. Just make sure no one can see. Also, ensure Police aren't around...you will be slapped with a public urination fine.

Swimming Pools
Everyone does it so why not you? No. No no no! I have to swim in that! Do it in the ocean cause its so big and contaminated with oil and other things. But please no more in swimming pools! If you must do it in water, save it for the shower.

In the Car
Probably wouldn't have thought about this one now would you? But what if you are on that long road trip and you re making EXCELLENT time? Well, its quite simple. PULL OVER. Do not try to use a bottle, you have hard enough time peeing in a bowl. And if you can fit your penis in a bottle? Well, I'm sorry to say, you have a small penis.

Well that pretty much covers everything. Hopefully i can work on the female perspective as well and get onto it! Also if i missed something, please send me a mention.

Mr G

Etiquette of doing a Poo

Well, i think its time for something a little different. I was thinking the etiquette of doing a poo. Everyone needs to do one once a day, but what is the etiquette for those sticky situations? Here is a basic users guide on when and what sort of actions you need to take when you have to go twosies.

At Home
There is no real rules here. Its your house. Leave the door open, anytime of the day, dont use toilet paper, dont flush whatever. There is no rules at your house. All bets are off. Friends are over? Hey, it is your houes. They should be honoured to be in the presence of such a smell.

At a Friends Place
This is well within the realms of ok, however it is frowned upon. If you DO need to go, make it quick and dont tell the friend it was a poo. Just hope and pray it doesnt smell. If it does, open the window and just quickly form an excuse like 'I gotta go home, i left the oven on' or 'I really need to do a poo, gotta go home'

Girlfriends/Boyfriends Place
There are seperate tiers for this one. If you just started dating them, its probably not a good idea to poo in their company at all since this will take vauable time away from getting to know them. Also, plan ahead. Poo at least 3 hours before seeing them. Dont need to go? Well too bad! Force something out. Even if it takes 3 hours. As the relationship progresses, you are more and more likely to drop the kids off at the pool at his/her place. Just hope its not a big one that doesnt flush. If that happens you have two options: Jump out the window or get the toilet brush. But the real issue is if you flush too many times they will know something is up. Better jump that window!

In Laws
Plain and simple - NEVER.

Public
See - In Laws. There is one exception to this law, and thats if you are literally about to shit your pants. I mean turtle neck to the point its coming in contact with your underwear, than you go find a toilet and LINE THAT BAD BOY with toilet paper. Triple layered.

Camping
There is no rules out here. Just ensure you are out of sight of people before you let rip in nature. Also good idea to have something to wipe with. Leaves or a dead rabbit is good.

Well, im sure there are other situations that i havent covered, but these are the basics 'need to knows' for now. If you have others, let me know.

Cheers
Mr G