Etiquette to Texting

Etiquette to Texting

Well, after having a conversation to some peeps about texting i decided to review it and tell people the correct etiquette of texting.

Rule 1: Never read other peoples Text.
This just goes for itself really. Its your text, not someone else. It could be an embarrassing doctors appointment about the viral disease you might have caught off that hooker, making sure your girlfriend doesn't know some other women is sending you steamy, kinking sex message or plans to get someone so drunk and cover them in semen that they don't remember. This is why you don't read other peoples text, straight up and foremost.

Rule 2: Don't look at picture messages
Some picture messages are funny, some are cute. Others are of penis. Usually small, erect penis. Do you want to look at penis? Then look at picture messages. If you don't want to look at penis, don't look at picture message.

Rule 3: Replying to a text.

A lot of people can relate to this. You're texting away to someone, then they suddenly stop texting. Why? What has happen to them? OMG THEY HATE ME FML!!! (OK, that's more for the emos out there who cant live without a text cause their life is really that unfulfilling) Majority of the time the person who has stopped texting is busy, at work, masturbating etc. Before you start, just let the person know you cant reply and will reply in due course. There is nothing worse to send 143 texts asking if they are OK, or receiving 143 texts (the first two going 'Are you there?' 'Are you OK?' followed by 141 abusive texts about how much they hate me for not replying, their sorry for what they did wrong and threatening to chop my balls off). So do yourself a favour, and let them know you cant reply to a text.

Rule 4: Do no reply with K
*Sub section to the rule included
People hate you replying with K. Really? you're going to waste your money with just one letter? It shows a lack of thought, and that you may be brain dead or 1/3rd of the way to joining the KKK. Either way you shouldn't do it. Unless your aim is to piss off the other person, then go for it. To even up the ante, when someone replies with 'It's annoying when you just send K' type a full 160 character message with just the letter K and imagine them going nuts.

Rule 5: Tone

Tone is REALLY important in a text. It's important to know what tone you are sending in a text message.

Rule5a: Tone (For Men)
Guys, when a chick sends a text message...it isn't in a sexy voice. When she goes 'Hey, how are you?' she isn't dressed in her underwear, touching her boob as if she was whispering it seductively in your ear. She just wants to know how you are. And 'Whats up?' doesn't mean you can reply with 'My Penis'. Why is your penis up for a text message anyways? Just wrong.

Rule5b: Tone (For Women)
Women, guys are not all ways angry when they send a text message. Just cause he is busy doesn't mean he hates you, wants to dump you or is cheating on you. He is most likely at a sports event, with the boys or hitting on an attractive young lady in the hopes of 'upgrading' his current dating status.

Rule 6: The use of Anagrams (lol, brb, asap etc)
Please use these sparingly as they can be taken the wrong way. The main one is lol. Parents: Lol does not mean 'Lots of love' it means 'lots of laughter'. Typing 'Dad is in hospital lol' is not funny. Also teens overuse these. Can you type a full word? And what the hell is lolololol? Lots of Laughter of laughter of laughter of lots? Seriously, get it right.

Rule 7: Drunk Texting

We all love a good drunken text sent by a friend who has no idea what is going on. Spelling mistakes and nonsensical sentences provides for entertaining reading the next day. However, drunk texting also leads to sending pictures of friends passed out to others that will get them in trouble and genitals to 'that special someone' in the hope you might impress them. When you get drunk, just put your phone away. No one wants to see your cock.

Rule 8: Sexting (Sex Text)
Just like cyber-sex, expect on your phone. This should be illegal. However, since it isn't, just follow a few simple rules. Buy a cover for your phone, its better to be protected. Don't sext around! You could be passing on a sexting transmitted cell-phone virus. Also when sexting, it is rude to show someones genitals to other person, as it should be a private matter. Unless drunk, then all bets are off and show your mates everything! Also, if the bitch or bastard cheats on you, it is your duty to post them on the Internet via Facebook, Twitter or any other medium possible. How dare they do that to you!

This is just a small list, but I'm sure we can make amendments to the list over time. Any thoughts/extra rules just let me know :)

Mr G

Sarah Blasko Review

Sarah Blasko

Well, I wrote a review for the Lisa Mitchell concert earlier this year, thought I should write one for Sarah Blasko.

Keep in mind this is probably a very bias review since Blasko is my favourite artist at the moment, and have been since seeing her at the Shakespeare play Hamlet back in 2008. I did go to her concert last year as well being held at the Forum while this one was held at The Palais theatre.

Anyways to my review....

When I arrived, I came in and the act before was Seja, who is supporting her through this tour. I had never heard of her before I booked my tickets to the concert so quick download of her album and listen before coming to Sarah Blasko was in order. Her album was ok. It was nice, and I now have it saved on my iPod playlist. When I walked in she was near the end of her set, and although I heard only 3 songs, the last one to me was just...noise. 3 keyboards playing high pitch tones all at once...sorry, it wasn’t for me. Positive she was tall. If anyone knows me, they know how much I envy to date a tall chick. But I digress.

Sarah Blasko came out on stage to a round of applause, which is commonplace these days. Adoring fans were waiting, and it was clear to me from the outset that the majority of the people knew exactly who she was, which was good. No idiots sitting next to me going 'What's this song?'

It got underway, and its two days later so I cannot remember her play list if I had a gun to my head. I will speak about the sound and the experience I did have though. Her first two songs seem flat to me, the instruments seem to be dominating her voice. At the Forum I remember a crystal clear voice, here it sounded like she was competing to be heard. However, by the 3rd song, her voice was heard amazingly. Beautiful, elegant, like a siren. Maybe a simple adjustment to the speakers? Maybe the equipment was tuned too loud? Who knows?

The night rolled on, and to my delight Sarah was actually quite funny. Interaction with the audience was all most a comedy routine. In between every second song, there was a laugh to be had, either by an audience member shouting something out, a band member mentioning something or Sarah forgetting lyrics to a song. Unfortunately this happen twice in the evening. The first time, she went through the song, basically unnoticeable to the audience. However, the second time was quite noticeable when she started giggling. It was during her cover of Flame Trees, yes the Cold Chisel classic, Flame Trees. A quick 'I should know the lyrics to this song by now' was followed with the completion of the song.

Honestly, I don’t mind artists forgetting lyrics or changing them, it actually shows they are not miming and reveals that they are just human after all. Her voice still remains an amazing sound to my ears though. Even though this can be merely oversights, or as Sarah put it jetlag, her voice remains as clear, and good as ever.

Now for the finale. I believe these days Encores are a given. Performers go off stage, and the crowd cheers and screams and we all know its going to come, especially when she hasn't sung two of her most recognisable songs (All I Want and Explain). To the few (I counted 7) people who left thinking this was the end, they were mistaken. Sarah came back out and sung these last two songs with beauty and clarity and to me, is what seals the concert for me. Explain is a pleasure to hear at anytime of day, and is my favourite song of hers. However, disappointing was the fact she didn’t sing Queen of Apology. For some reason, I just love that song.

As the credits roll, I gave this a strong 5/5 purely cause I am bias. As objective as I could get, I would still give her 4.25/5.

Any questions please ask or leave comments.

Regards

Mr G

Soggy Biscuit

A new segment for my blog - Good tips.

My first tip is about the Soggy Biscuit game. We've all heard of it, some of us are curious about it, few have done it, and even fewer still have gotten so aroused by it, they use their face instead of a biscuit (Come on down Miley Cirus). Anyways, here goes.

The key to soggy biscuit is not to cum first, cause all the other guys will look at you like a queer homosexual who gets off to men masturbating, not to come last since you will have to eat the soggy biscuit and get bagged for it for the rest of your life, not to cum 2nd cause the 1st guy will start wanting to do naugh...ty things to you, but to cum just in the middle. Timing is all there is to it.



Mr G

4 Colour Pen - Review

Well, i think its long over due that the 4-colour pen should get a review. So here i go.

The Four Pen was invented along time ago. I assume people got lazy picking up 2 different colours of pen a day. Yes i know there is 4 colours, but i will give my reasoning as we go on with this blog. Firstly lets rate this pen colour by colour.

Black
Black is clearly the commander of this nicely tight little ship. Demands respect from the other colours. It leads the way, however it could be a bit dark at times. Alone at the top can have its bad side. Black is mostly the pencil pusher as well, needed for all those important documents. Clearly dominats Blue, which occasionally comes out when some is making notes. Black is messier then the other colours as well. Seems more cluttered. Overall i feel the black is somewhat over rated. I would give it 3 stars only cause of the legal nature we need Black for.

Blue
Blue is the jealous type of the colours. Envies Black, wishes it could be Red, and is just plain confused as to why Green even got a place in the pen. Blue is a nice colour i feel, easy on the eyes, can be neat and plus its what i use for this blog. Its the colour of the skye, its the colour of water and Blue cars. Blue is the underachiever...could have been so much more...if only there wasnt such blackness in this world. I rate it a 4.

Red
Red is the colour of blood. Red back spiders. Menstration cycle of women. Red is, what i feel, the evil brother of the lot. Its used to correct mistakes. What a busy body it is. How dare it gets off on correcting mistakes? Who does it think it is? The nerve of this colour! The thought it thinks its better then the others, all ways trying to make a power grab at Black, undermining the whole harmory of the 4 pen. I give this a 1.

Green
The free loader. There is no use for the Green colour. How many people even own a single green pen on their own? Its clearly a passenger. Its like that unwanted sibling that comes to stay with you for a week, stays a year, uses all your toilet paper, drinks your beer then when you have diahorrea there is no toilet paper left and youre sitting there for hours waiting for them to come home. Unbelieable. I still rate it higher then red though with a 2.

Overall the pen is not a labour saving device. How hard is it to grab 2 pens at once? Together, combined, there really is no point to it. Green is a passenger, Red is just a rebel trying to form a coup, Black is a dictator from Iraq and Blue is the nerdy one trying to fit in.

Mr G

Lisa Mitchell

Lisa Mitchell - 28th May 2010

After just watching Lisa Mitchell live for the first time and seeing her at the Forum in Melbourne, i felt compelled to write a review and share with my friends about it.

I first heard off Lisa Mitchell back in 2009 when Coin Laundry came out. At the time, i gave her no attention as i felt it was silly to sing in a washing machine (superficial and cynical i know). Along came 2010 and the Big Day Out was an opportunity to get a glimpse of this artist that many have praised. However, due to a friend arriving late and having to check in our bag, by the time we were through the gates, Lisa Mitchell's set was over.

One late night i was up late watching a Channel V when Oh! Hark! came on the TV set. I was amazed at the sound of her voice and the lyrics she preformed in her song and instantly liken her to Sarah Blasko, who happens to be my favourite female artist at the moment. Of course Blasko has this trance like hold over me with her voice sounding like a siren, Mitchell could easily fall into that category as long as she keeps showcasing her delicate, yet delightful to hear, voice. However, i digress. I downloaded her album (off iTunes of course *cough*) and started listening to her music. I enjoyed every second of it, without much of a low point in the album, consistently living up to each songs expectations. Cue May 28th.

It had been a rainy day in Melbourne on this Friday evening, as i headed into the city for my first live performance of Lisa Mitchell. On the way picked up a lovely Caramel Latte, which i happily drank on the way, listening to her album, Wonder, all the way in. Upon arrival, i did happen to treat myself to a couple of scotch's at the front of the theatre, and ended up finding myself near the front of the standing area about 10 deep. To this date is the closest I've ever been to an artist. Two support bands came on before Lisa Mitchell, and their sound set the prefect tone for the rest of the evening...a nice blend of adult contemporary with the harmony of just simple, basic musical sounds. After arriving at 7:30 and seem to be waiting forever, 10pm came around and along came the young lady of the moment.

Sitting down at the Piano, cleverly sneaking on stage as the other musicians took their spot. The start of the show seemed surreal as a musical box played on the piano Lisa was sitting at. Then came the first keys played on the keyboard and we were treated to a nice opening of Oh Nostalgia. Her simple demeanor was shown and she let the piano and her voice do the job. In fact, after the performance was over, this was the one song that stuck in my head. I noticed from the outset her voice was as clear in her album as it was live, which gained huge points from myself. Its one thing to have it modified to sound good on a album, but if you can't replicate it live, it seems such a waste.

Lisa then stood up and said hello to everyone, which is all ways a nice and courtesy treat from the artist. A bit of humour was involved in when she asked people not to throw coins on the stage as she sung Coin Laundry. I felt the start was a bit lacking as it sets up the song, but she got into it as it went along. Her quirky movements were on show through out the song and she danced along to it. And no one threw a coin on stage. Her movements would stay for her other songs and she delicately moved about the staged, and was a delight to watch her quirkiness, for a lack of a better word.

Between songs there were shouts of 'I love you Lisa' and wolf whistles, which she looked perplexed with. A short 'Thank you' with a confused tone was the response. Remembering this girl is just 20 years of age, she held her composure well. However, as the night progressed and she kept coming out with the songs off her album Wonder, it seemed as if she was uncomfortable with the direct compliments thrown at her. This I'm sure she will learn in time to accept. Red Wine Lips, Stevie, Neopolitan Dreams just to name a few were outstanding. The thing i liked most about it was she let her music do the talking as oppose to any form of special effects or choreography.

Oh! Hark!, my favourite song, came and went as did other songs including Clean White Love, Pirouette, Animals and back on the piano for Valium, a beautiful love song which i thoroughly enjoyed. Half way through the show, on stage came her close friend, in Lisa's words, 'Alex Gray'(for the love of me i can not remember). For the first time in the evening Lisa actually looked like to be enjoying herself as her friend came on stage, which was disappointing as a fan. Of course we are happier with our closest friends, but this seemed more of a relief that someone was there by her side. They then preceded set up a song together with the banter providing some comic relief at times. Together they sung out a Beatles song (again, i forget) and got the audience involved with some whistling. However, I'm not a fan of 'audience participation' but generally fans do, and responded in kind. The song let it self down as their voices seemed to cancel each other out and was hard to understand what they were singing.

As the show crept closer towards the end, Lisa Mitchell left the stage for a break, only to return 2 minutes later with 3 other female artists, Jessica Warren, Zoe Hoftman and someone i clearly forgot (i got distracted by the fact she wasn't wearing a bra, but she should have been. Enough said on that). Also the name of the other artists could be wrong as well, as i have trouble remembering all the finer details. Together they did are marvelous cover of Like a Prayer by Madonna that was absolutely breath taking, and had to be seen to be believed. All four artists shone and complimented each other well. A fitting way to end the night, as Lisa Mitchell belted out one more song (i use belted as a very loose term with her delicate voice) and that was the end of it. No grand farewell, a simple 'Thank you Melbourne, Good Night' just like her music.

Overall, the experience was worth the money spent and providing a good night out. The crowd, however, was mainly Couples or groups of young women which kinda put me out of place there. Upon leaving, i heard other patrons refer to her lack of chemistry with the band, however, if you look at it here is a 20 year old women on stage with musicians who, some looked, twice her age. This can be intimidating for a young person at the best of times in any given field, let along in front of a 1500 plus crowd. She didn't say much to the band. At the end of the day Lisa Mitchell did what i feel great artists should do - let their music do the talking. There was no spectacular light effects or storyline to the evening, just simply Lisa Mitchell doing what she does best.

Out of 5, i give her a 3.75.

Mr G

Cars Creeping Forward

Thought i would rage a bit on my blog today...Cars creeping forward at red traffic lights.

Here i was, on my way to Basketball, and i happen to be stopped at the lights when i notice, and i've noticed this for the 8 years i've been driving a car now...but other cars creeping forward as if its going to suddenly go green or make it change faster. We've all seen this havent we? Just creeping forward...inch by inch...over the first line...second line...car half way out to the middle of the road...semi trailer just missing it by inches.

But really WHY?! Its not going to change any faster...just makes you look like a tool sitting half way in the intersection. What i find really amusing is the lights that have the sensors on them. So they reach the lights just as it turns red. They sit..creep forward...the other way gets the green lights...stays green...then they turn red. But does he get the arrow?! NO...he has creeped to far forward! What does he do? Does he go for it? Put it in reverse what? All ways a good laugh watching them panic look both ways..'shit do i go? reverse...crap..fuck...stupid sensor'. Its not the sensor fault, its yours for creeping forward.

Another funny one has to be the one where they have a manual and they creep foward..but roll back..really..come on...really?! Those 2 inches you creeped forward are for...what? I just love it even more when the red light camera goes off. They start raging on their dash board as if it will fix it.

Oh well, to all those cars that creep forward...seriously...it gets you now where

Mr G

Etiquette of Peeing - Male Perspective

Last week i brought you the etiquette of doing a poo. Now its time to bring Part 1 of this 2 part series - Etiquette of Peeing. Today's will be about the Male Perspective and hopefully can cover everything.

At Home - Living Alone
No rules here. Just piss where ever. Most likely will be the shower in the morning. The seat will never be down, except when doing a poo. And if you miss? Meh, it will dry up. Drunk? Hey that's what the bush is for out the front of the house.

At Home - With Roommates
This is a tricky one, cause if its female room mates than you gotta pee outside more. If it's male roommates, pretty simple. Same rules apply as above, but when you get REALLY trashed, you pee on the bed of the room mate you really wish was gone. Also, great party game: See how far up a person you could pee if they are passed out on the floor.

Now the female room mate will complain about pissing on the seat/floor so what you gotta do is 'water the garden' three times a day. Basically piss outside. She may know, but will be quite pleased its not on the floor anymore.

At Home - Wife/Kids
OK, hopefully by the time you are married you have mastered how to pee into a bowl. I know its hard for men to do so. however you NEED to learn this skill. 80% of divorces occur cause men cant pee properly. And you have to learn how to put the seat down! No, you can not go outside..what will the neighbours think if your penis is out while your kids are playing in the backyard?

At a Friends place
Its ok to go at the friends place. They wont mind. Its not like the week before when you were throwing up all over their sisters bedroom floor (Relax, the sister was away for the weekend!)

At a Girlfriends place
Its ok to use the toilet. But if you miss, get that toilet paper ready. You will need to clean it up. Air freshener? Its an idea to use cause seriously, if they find the smell of urine in there consider yourself out on your ass! Don't wipe either guys! Huge mistake. it leaves streaks and women know all about cleaning. Just gently pat it and soak it up.

At the In-Laws
Same rules apply as the Girlfriends place. The only thing is, you should probably not use the toilet at all. It can say a lot about your character to these people if you are willing to just walk into there house a flop your dick out. I know its behind close doors, but what are you doing behind close doors with their daughter?

Public - Nightclubs/Pubs/Sporting Events
As long as you re in the bathroom, that's good enough. They look run down, smell of urinal and cheap sex and spilt alcohol. Seriously, no one will even notice.

Public - Shopping Centres/Public Toilets
Aim for the urinal. No, you cant not pee in the basin like in a nightclub, cause little kids will be here. Explain that one to the Police if a kid walks in and your penis is out in the basin.

Camping/Nature/Golf Courses/Parks etc
Behind a tree really. Just make sure no one can see. Also, ensure Police aren't around...you will be slapped with a public urination fine.

Swimming Pools
Everyone does it so why not you? No. No no no! I have to swim in that! Do it in the ocean cause its so big and contaminated with oil and other things. But please no more in swimming pools! If you must do it in water, save it for the shower.

In the Car
Probably wouldn't have thought about this one now would you? But what if you are on that long road trip and you re making EXCELLENT time? Well, its quite simple. PULL OVER. Do not try to use a bottle, you have hard enough time peeing in a bowl. And if you can fit your penis in a bottle? Well, I'm sorry to say, you have a small penis.

Well that pretty much covers everything. Hopefully i can work on the female perspective as well and get onto it! Also if i missed something, please send me a mention.

Mr G